It is one of the first five words you learned as a baby.
It can be the most powerful word in any conversation.
It can pack a huge punch when delivered in a strong confident voice.
What is this word?
“NO.”
“No.” is a complete sentence.
Statistically speaking, this word can be very hard for some people to say. Why is that?
There are a few reasons, psychologically speaking, as to why saying “No.” is hard for people.
The first reason is that most of us are wired to avoid conflict. Do you remember as a kid when you said “No.” to your parents or a teacher and how you were scolded for saying that word? You may have even got the “Don’t you dare say no to me young woman!” response.
“No” was the word used by our parents to teach us right from wrong. And “No” always seemed to mean wrong.
You were programmed at a young age to understand the word “No.” as something bad. Something that got you in trouble. Something taboo.
Now, as an adult when you say “No.” your brain associates it with the idea that when you say that word, something bad is going to happen. So, you avoid it, to avoid the conflict.
Another reason may be that you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or disappoint them. When you tell someone “No, I won’t be able to make it over for the party.” or when you tell your boss, “No, that report will not be done by end-of-day.”, you feel like you are letting them down.
Naturally, the last thing you want to do is let someone down or make them feel bad, so instead of saying “No.”, you appease them by using a phrase like “I might be able to stop by the party for a bit.” or “I will make every effort to complete the report by end-of-day.”, knowing that what you really mean is “No.”.
You may even change your plans or schedule to make sure you can be at that party or complete that report just so you don’t disappoint them. This creates a Domino effect as now someone or something else takes the hit for the change. Most of the time, that someone is YOU. You would rather not do something for yourself that you had planned just so the other person is happy.
Women actually have a harder time with “No.” than men. Why is that? Women are wired a bit differently from men (have you read “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” by Jon Gray?).
Women are natural nurturers. They generally prefer to help everyone else as best as they can and avoid conflict at all costs. They want to be nice. Whereas men are more straightforward and to the point. But men can have their “No.” challenges too!
That idea that “No.” is a bad word is actually a limiting belief.
Since we were taught as young children that “No.” is not an appropriate response, when we say it now as adults, it feels like we are doing something bad.
But you are not!
As adults, the inability to say “No.” can get you into a lot of trouble!
Are you a “Yes person”? Do you always say “Yes.” even when you mean “No.”?
In both the business world and your personal life, not saying “No.” can create tension, stress, and overwhelm.
It can get you involved in the PTA, civic clubs, networking groups, volunteer gigs, side jobs, bake sales, etc.
At one point in my own life, I was on 5 different non-profit boards at one time because I just wouldn’t say “No.”!
It is time to learn the art of saying “No.”.
Why is saying “No.” called an art? The art part comes in WHEN and HOW you use the word. Used in the wrong way, “No.” can absolutely create conflict, hurt feelings, and create unrest. Used the right way, “No.” will be the most powerful one-word sentence in your vocabulary.
Here are a few techniques for mastering the art of “No.”:
1) Start using the word in unimportant situations to get used to saying it out loud. For example, saying “No.” to the piece of cake one of your co-workers just offered you.
2) Stop and breathe. Before you say “Yes.”, stop for a moment and consider why you are saying “Yes.”. Is it the correct response or do you really want to say “No.”? If “No.” is what you mean – say it!
3) If you think that saying “No.” will actually cause a problem – maybe an argument, or you will really hurt someone’s feelings that you do not want to hurt – stop and consider the fallout of your saying “No.”. Then choose for yourself whether or not the fallout is worth it to you. Sometimes, saying “Yes.” When we really want to say “No.” can be the right response for your peace of mind.
4) Don’t forget that in most cases, if you say “No.”, you can always change your mind later. “No. I will not be able to bake cookies for Joey’s school bake sale this week.” But as the date gets closer, you find you actually do have time to bake or even purchase cookies so you tell them you had a change in plans and now you can.
When you start saying “No.” in places where you were once always saying “Yes.” you may notice a myriad of emotions.
You may feel guilty for saying “No.”. Don’t. If you feel guilty after you have said “No.” to someone, that means you either really wanted to say “Yes.” or you are still stuck with that limiting belief that “No.” is a bad word and you shouldn’t be saying it.
You need to stop and figure out which one it is. If it is because you really wanted to say “Yes.”, then tell them you changed your mind, and the answer is now “Yes.”. If it is because of that old, stale limiting belief, remind yourself that “No.” is NOT a bad word. Start retraining your brain around its definition of “No.”. As you do this, “No.” will become easier for you.
Another emotion you may experience after saying “No.” is euphoria. Sometimes saying “No.” is like the world has been taken from your shoulders. You have finally stood up for yourself and told them “No.” and it felt awesome!
One important last thing for consideration.
Don’t “flip the switch” and replace your “Yes.” With “No.”. “Yes.” is also a complete sentence and maybe the correct response.
Those same four tips above also apply to the word “Yes.”.
It is time to take back control of your life and start setting some boundaries. And it all begins with one simple one-word sentence…” No.”.
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